K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nut hugger
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
