My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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