Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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