You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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