saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.