how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
