Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
