Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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