if only i could text you this smell
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
