I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
