I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
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Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
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I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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