You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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