Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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