I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
