There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize