So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
