Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
