I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
