I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
