I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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