Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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