Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
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apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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