just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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