I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
