Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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