I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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