The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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