It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
