So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
