my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
