walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
