I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
