the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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