i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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