Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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