I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
