at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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