i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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