my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My friends, they love my intelligence
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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