sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
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Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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