I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
