I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
