If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
