I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We need to get me chipped asap
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
