Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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