why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
