I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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