I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
two words...techno handjob
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
