Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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