Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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