She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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