the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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