This is not my ceiling
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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