2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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