Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
