So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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