she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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