My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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