Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We left the knife in your bed.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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